Temari's Labor Day Special: Lost in America
by Sunlit A Colony
Summary: Temari, Gaara and Kankuro travel to the USA to learn about its culture but become separated. Will they find each other and make it home safely or will this fic degenerate into an offensive mess?


**Temari's Labor Day Special**

**A/S:** I think that this is probably by far the most offensive story I've written on FF dot net so far, not really because of mature content but rather politicallyincorrectness.You have been warned. You know, I don't write these stories with the intent of making them offensive, it just sorta happens...

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day in Hidden Sand and our favorite Sand trio was busy doing their favorite activity: watching American TV. They were currently watching reruns of the greatest TV series of all time, MTV's Undressed. 

"Oh my god this is so great, its like porn but without the sex and nudity!" exclaimed Kankuro.

"Yeah all this terrible acting and crappy dialog is really getting me hot!" said Temari enthusiastically, wiping her sweating brow.

Suddenly Gaara raced forward and began humping the television screen.

"Damn it Gaara get the hell out of the way!" shouted Temari. "Kankuro, get your hand out of your pants and get him to stop!"

A couple of blows to the head from Temari's fan convinced Kankuro to postpone his playtime.

He reluctantly went over and tapped Gaara on the shoulder. "Uh, Gaara, could you please move so we could see the TV?"

Gaara turned and looked over his shoulder, bearing his teeth like a wild animal. His eyes narrowed, looking at Kankuro like he was about to rip his spine out through his nose. "Oh ok." said Gaara, all his hostility instantly vanishing as he calmly went and sat back down on the couch.

"_Wow, so that Prozac I slipped in his Lucky Charms this morning is actually working._"thought Temari with a smile.

Unfortunately a commercial had come on during Gaara's moment of lust. A commercial for the Axe body wash in fact. In began with a sexy female in her apartment doing a stripper dance on a pipe coming up from the floor. The camera panned up to show that the female on the floor above her was doing the same thing. It then panned up again showing yet another sexy female dancing on the pipe. Finally it panned up once more to show a guy in the shower, the pipe being the drain in the floor of the shower between the guy's feet. The camera was angled so you could only see the guy from about mid-calf and down. Suddenly a stream of piss began trickling down into the drain from off screen, the guy moaning a bit as he relived himself.

"Oh my god..." muttered Temari falling off the couch. "Yeah that really makes me want to buy their product..." she said sarcastically.

"Shut up Temari, Axe isn't for girls anyway!" shouted Gaara, glaring at her.

"Yeah man, once we get some of that shit we'll be swimmin' in the poon!" said Kankuro enthusiastically. "I hear its so powerful that it would get a guy's own sister to sleep with him..."

Temari and Gaara gave him an odd look.

"Eh, what?" said Kankuro with a shrug.

Just then Baki came into the room wearing a poncho and sombrero. He was singing a Spanish song and shaking a pair of maracas in each hand.

"Baki what the hell are you doing?" asked Temari raising an eyebrow.

"Come on everyone lets celebrate! Its Labor Day!" shouted Baki. "Me amo Pedro!"

"Kick-ass I didn't know today was a holiday!" shouted Kankuro getting into the spirit. "Me amo Pedro!"

"Labor Day is not a Mexican holiday you morons!" shouted Temari. "And I hate to disappoint you guys but your name is not Padero..."

"I never said it was dumbass!" retorted Kankuro.

"Come on Temari, shake your maracas!" shouted Baki enthusiastically, staring at Temari's chest.

A quick punch to the face shut him up.

"I'm telling you Labor Day is not a Mexican holiday damn it!" shouted Temari giving Baki a few kicks to the balls to make her point.

"Uh ok, I'm listening..." gasped Baki from the floor as he clutched his aching gonads.

"Labor Day is..." began Temari but a punch to the back of the head from Gaara knocked her to the floor.

"I'm sorry but I really don't want to hear another of your long boring speeches explaining holidays from another country." said Gaara.

"Ugh, I was just going to say that Labor Day is a pointless holiday in the USA where most people get a day off work for no reason." said Temari getting to her feet, rubbing her head.

"Oh. My bad sis..." replied Gaara, shocking Baki and Kankuro with his passive attitude.

"_Yeah, I have definatly got to use Prozac on him more often..._"thought Temari with a smirk.

"You know what, we really need to learn more about this strange land of America!" said Baki firmly.

"Cool, I guess that means we can get back to watching TV now huh?" said Kankuro.

"No you fool! I mean you guys need to go there and check it out in person." said Baki. "Luckily, I have a warp portal in my bondage chamber in the basement that can get you there."

"Oh no, I'm not falling for that again Baki." said Kankuro folding his arms, Temari and Gaara getting anime sweat drops.

"Trust me Kankuro, nothing unpleasant will happen." said Baki with a fake smile. "Come on lets go."

Baki lead the way to the bondage chamber with Temari and Gaara following him. Gaara was dragging Kankuro by his head with his Shukaku arm. Once in the dungeon, it turned out that Baki was actually telling the truth. A swirling purplish black portal was sitting right there in the middle of the place.

"Ok, I sorta understand how you turned the dryer into a time machine last Thanksgiving but how the hell did you do this?" inquired Temari suspiciously.

"Hah, well, I just sold my soul to the gods of Chaos." said Baki, his voice having a deep, demonic rumble to it. "Oh I mean, Tinkerbell came down from heaven and used some fairy dust..." he said quickly, using his normal voice again.

"Riiiiiight." said Kankuro, clearly not buying it.

"Anyway, your mission is to go to America and learn about their culture." said Baki firmly.

"But I already know all about that!" protested Temari.

Suddenly the portal sucked the Sand siblings into it without warning.

"Thank you Dark Master." said Baki.

"No problem Dark Apostle Baki." said an evil voice from no where.

Not much later Temari awoke to find herself in someone's back yard. It was early morning and the birds were chirping happily.

"_Hmm, what the hell is all this green stuff on the ground..._"she wondered, but quickly remembered that it was grass.

Getting to her feet and looking around she was able to figure out that she was in the USA. However Kankuro and Gaara weren't with her. She figured they must have gotten separated during the warp. She looked over and saw a dog house but no dog in sight. Suddenly the back door to the house opened and a huge overweight girl came out.

"Oh my god, Temari, what are you doing in your backyard?" exclaimed the girl excitedly, clapping her hands.

"How the hell do you know my name?" asked Temari, suspicious of the girl.

"Well duh, you're from that manga Naruto." said the girl.

"Give me a break, there's not a manga starring that goofball." said Temari with a dismissive laugh.

"Yeah there is, I'll show you. Come on in." said the girl motioning for Temari to enter the house. Before they could enter however a golden retriever with no legs rolled out of the dog house and over to them.

"Oh its Kiba-kun!" shouted the girl going over to hug the doggie. Unfortunately Kiba-kun went crazy and started biting her! "Bad Kiba-kun! Bad!" shouted the girl, kicking the vicious dog.

Kiba-kun growled and whimpered as he rolled back into his dog house.

"Hee hee, Kiba-kun is so playful..." laughed the girl as she walked into the house.

Temari cautiously followed her in and realized that the house was a typical American house.

"Hi Granny Fanny!" said the girl cheerfully as they walked past a huge fat old lady had somehow managed to squeeze her bulk into a rocking chair in the living room.

The old sack of lard didn't reply because she had sniffed too much glue and passed out recently.

"Oh don't mind her, she's handicapped like me." said the girl dismissively.

"Uh, you're handicapped? Whats wrong with you?" asked Temari.

"Well I don't know for sure but my teachers at school say I'm special." replied the girl with a bright yellow grin.

"Well, thats... swell..." said Temari with a forced smile.

Soon they got to the girls room and Temari was shocked at what she saw. The entire room was decorated with Naruto stuff. From the bed sheets to posters on the wall, to a huge Naruto manga collectionand stacks of bootleg Naruto DVDs that had been downloaded off the internet. Every thing was Naruto.

"Oh... my... god..." muttered Temari, in a daze.

"Look its you, its you!" shouted the girl running and jumping on her bed, the springs bearly able to take her intense mass as she pointed to a poster of Temari on the wall above the bed.

"Yeah, thats... nice." said Temari, feeling like she was going to be sick.

"Damn right it is!" shouted the girl happily, then suddenly clamping her hand over her mouth. She stopped jumping on the bed and got a scared look in her eyes.

"What?" asked Temari bluntly.

"I-I... I said a naughty word..." whispered the girl.

Temari just smacked her palm to her face. "_What the hell have I gotten myself into..._"

* * *

Meanwhile Gaara awoke right in the middle of a baseball field. 

"Oh golly, is he ok..." a voice said.

"I don't know, he just appeared out of nowhere, it was weird." said another.

Gaara sat up and rubbed his head a bit, noticing that a bunch of ball players were standing around him.

"Where am I? Whats going on?" he muttered.

"The gods of whiffle ball surely gaze upon us and smile." said one of the guys.

"W-whiffle ball..." said Gaara, looking around, noticing for the first time that it wasn't a baseball team but a whiffle ball team. "Whiffle ball is for pussys."

"Listen here sir, I'll have you know that whiffle ball is a very manly sport." said a guy with the gay lisp and painted nails and lipstick.

"All of you shut up, this boy was clearly sent to take our team to the championship this year, I can feel it." said the coach walking forward. He was the typical old guy sports coach with a beer belly. "Didn't you see him appear just in time to take a whiffle ball to the head and prevent Steve from getting out at first base."

A quiet murmur spread through out the team. Nobody could deny the apparent miracle that Gaara's appearance had caused.

"Get the boy a bat, and lets see how he swings some lumber." said the coach.

"Oh, I've got some lumber for him right here." said one of the players rubbing his crotch seductively.

"W-what... " exclaimed Gaara, backing away.

"Shut up and give the boy the freakin' bat!" shouted the coach.

Another player wearing heavy eyeliner and pig tails came up and handed Gaara the plastic bat.

"What the fuck is this?" shouted Gaara, dropping the penis shaped bat as if it were red hot. Thats when he realized it. "Y-you're all gay aren't you?"

The entire team burst out laughing at him, flipping their hands forward in a feminine manner.

"Well son, this is whiffle ball afterall..." said the coach.

"Well have fun slinging lumber, I'm out of here." said Gaara walking off.

"Wait son, you're not a homophobe are ya?" said the coach tauntingly.

"Hell no, I'm not a homo!" shouted Gaara angrily, turning back to the man.

"I said homophobe not homosexual boy!" yelled the coach.

"Whats the freakin' difference!" exclaimed Gaara.

The coach sighed, this kid was going to need a lot of work. The team spent the next hour teaching Gaara the difference between homosexuality and homophobia, helping Gaara to understand that it was bad to look down upon alternate life styles.

* * *

Meanwhile Kankuro awoke in a dark alleyway, surrounded by skanky hoes. Everything smelled like smoke and piss. 

"Oh my, are you alright?" asked a ho, offering him a cigarette.

"Don't be stupid you whore, the boy just needs a little malt liquor to get his motor running." said a voice from the back of the ally.

Kankuro looked up, his vision clearing, to see the pimp of all pimps. He was a black guy who wore cheap purple suit and was covered with fake gold jewelry. All his teeth were gold and he had a fedora hat with a feather in it. As he walked his cane with a fake diamond in it thumped along the ground.

"Here boy, drink this." said the man handing Kankuro a half drunken bottle of Hurricane. He could bearly talk with the huge cigar in his mouth.

As Kankuro reached for the bottle he noticed the man's beard was actually made of pubic hair rather than facial hair. Kankuro cried out in fear, dropping the bottle and nearly wetting himself.

"Now look here boy, you just wasted some good shat." said the man with a scowl. "I expect you to pay me back for it."

"But... I don't have any money on me..." whined Kankuro timidly.

"The man leaned down and blew a puff of smoke in to his face. "Now look here my boy, if you can't pay me back with paper, I'm going to have to take it out on you some other way..." he picked up the broken beer bottle an threw it at a random guy on the street who was nearly fifty yards away, the bottle stabbing him in the eye. "Thats what happens to those who cross me."

"Oh, please don't kill him Pube Face!" cried a 55 year old whore with multiple STDs as she knelt down beside Kankuro, cradling his head against her saggy boobies.

"Don't worry bitch, I didn't plan on it." replied Pube Face with a hacking laugh, nearly dropping his cigar. "This boy is going to become my apprentace..."

Kankuro suddenly felt like he had crapped a brick...

* * *

"So, you prayed for God to bring me to life from your mangas last night and you think that's why I'm here..." said Temari upon hearing the obese girl's explanation of what was going on. 

"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" said the girl with a blubbery laugh that sounded like a beached whale in its death agonies.

"So anyway, whats your name?" asked Temari, she was still in the girl's room, sitting cross legged on the floor.

"Doobie." replied the girl, sitting on the edge of the bed. "My parents were hippies."

"I see... so where are they anyway." asked Temari. "I didn't see them around."

"Granny Fanny told me they went to heaven and didn't die in a shoot out with police forces in Columbia during a raid on a drugcartel in which my father was a hired thug and my mother was a crack whore who got screwed by the boss every night, my father suffering a gunshot wound to the head from a 40 caliber hollow point bullet fired from a Glock 23 semi-automatic hand gun while inhaling 50 kilos of crack while my STD infested mother preformed fellatio on him and ended up being shot point blank by Lt.John Washington, a 50 year old veteran of the Interpol raiding team who was later promoted to Sergent for his heroics in battle." replied Doobie happily, flapping her hands like little angel wings.

"You know Doobie, if I weren't sitting down I'd do that anime thing where a person falls over because of an awkward situation." replied Temari.

"Ha ha, you're so funny Temari!" laughed Doobie. "Hey want to go to school with me today?"

"_Hell no!_" thought Temari, but she realized that going to a public school might give her a deeper insight into the American culture and allow her to get this stupid mission over with. "Uh sure, I guess."

"Mondo cool!" shouted Doobie, rushing to her closet and digging through her cloths.

"What are you doing?" asked Temari.

"You can't go to school wearing that, they'll think you're a dork." replied Doobie. "I'll get you something nice to wear."

"I don't think anything you have will fit me..." remarked Temari dryly.

"Don't worry, the hip-hop culture is sweeping the nation, baggy is good!" said Doobie clapping her hands together excitedly. She pulled out a large shirt and tossed it to Temari. "Try this on."

"Eh, fine." muttered Temari, taking off her coat to put on the huge shirt.

"Awghahghghghghhh, what, what, whaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" cried Doobie pointing to Temari's bare chest visible under her mesh shirt.

"What?" said Temari, the annoyance clear in her voice.

"You're not wearing a bra!" cried Doobie.

"What the hell's a bra?" said Temari giving the mega ton girl a strange look.

* * *

"Alright son, I think you've learned the basic principal of love and respect, now its time for you to learn the basics of the grand old game of whiffle ball." said the coach patting Gaara on the ass. 

"Does this game involve killing people?" asked Gaara striking the assistant coach in the head with the plastic bat and cracking his skull.

"No son, we try to maintain a sportsman like environment." said the coach.

"Aww damn." cursed Gaara in disappointment. "Well, what the hell is this thing for?" he asked holding up the bat. Suddenly he figured it out.

"Gaara, stop trying to shove the damn bat up my ass!" shouted the coach, taking the bat away from Gaara.

"But coach, I thought..." began Gaara.

"Shut up boy! The bat is used to hit the ball!" shouted the coach.

"Oh like this?" asked Gaara taking the bat from the coach and forcefully swinging it into his own balls. "Aghgahhhhhhhhhh goddamn it that hurt!" he cried falling to the ground and curling into the fetal position.

"No you retard, this ball!" said the coach throwing a whiffle ball against Gaara's head.

"N-now you tell me..." moaned Gaara.

Suddenly one of the teammates came up to them. "Hey coach, the Boston Peckerheads are here! Its time to start the game!"

"Damn it Gaara, this is a very important game, if we win this we'll make it to the National Championship!" said the coach.

"Alright coach, you can count on me!" said Gaara getting into the whiffle ball spirit.

"Yeah buddy! The Washington Scrotums will be victorious!" shouted the team.

"Our team is called... the Scrotums?" muttered Gaara, getting an anime sweat drop.

The game went smoothly, players from each team keeping the making out behind the dugouts to a minimum and concentrating on the game for a change. Before long the score was all tied up at 1 to 1. Gaara was up to bat and the whole team was counting on him.

"Come on sexy you can do it, put a little man juice to it!" chanted the Washington Scrotums, rallying behind the red haired boy.

"Would you guys shut up I'm trying to concentrate here!" shouted Gaara, glaring at his teammates.

They shut up instantly and the game proceeded, Gaara whiffing the first two pitches. The pitcher smiled and winked at Gaara as he wound up for the next pitch. Nervous sweat dotted Gaara's brow as the pitcher threw the ball underhanded like a pro. The pitch came in fast, so fast that Gaara almost didn't see it. He swung the bat with all his might, giving it his all.

A mighty cheer went up from all three people in the crowd as the ball sailed out past second base, the first time that night the ball had made it past the infield. Gaara quickly slung the bat away and ran for first base as fast as he could, not realizing the tragedy his carelessness was about to cause. The penis shaped bat flew back and collided with the Washington Scrotum's mascot, Harry.

The giant nutsack with a smiley face on it screamed in pain as the plastic bat smashed into with him, causing five broken ribs, a broke leg, a ruptured spleen, a major concussion and a nasty case of the crabs.

"Noooooooo Harry!" shouted the coach, rushing to the side of the fallen testicles. "Harry speak to me!"

The entire team totally forgot about the fact that they just won the game and ran over to check on their mascot.

"I'm in pain!" screamed Harry as he rolled around in pain.

"Call a freakin' ambulance damn it!" shouted the coach to one of the players.

Gaara was just coming to home base and upon making it began jumping up in the air in excitement.

"Yaaaaaaay! We won, we won!" cried Gaara, throwing his hands up in the air.

"You dumbass, look what you've done!" shouted the coach.

Gaara quickly rushed over and saw the damage he had done to poor Harry.

"I-I... didn't mean to..." stuttered Gaara, tears welling up in his eyes.

"I can't believe you would do this to me Gaara!" cried out Harry between moans of pain. "I believed in you..."

"I'm so sorry Harry..." cried Gaara, falling to his knees and stroking what he thought was Harry's leg.

"I-its ok man... I'll be fine, I'll be fine." said Harry. With a little help from the team Harry made it to his feet. "T-thanks guys, with teamwork and aball-gagwe can over come anything..."

Gaara smiled, Harry was going to be ok!

Just then the ambulance sped onto the field and hit Harry, his teammates having jumped out of the way at the last second. The bone crushing impact sent the unfortunate scrotum flying halfway across the field, landing with a splat.

"Do you guys still need an ambulance?" asked the driver leaning out of the driver's side window.

* * *

"I've gotta do what?" cried Kankuro. He was currently in Pube Face's secret lair deep within the ghetto. "And why the hell is my pimp suit yellow and not purple?" 

"Listen to me boy, you don't get the honor of wearing the purple pimp suit until you prove yourself, you gotta start at the bottom." replied Pube Face. He was currently sitting behind his desk in his fancy office. He had a ho sitting on either knee and they were picking his teeth clean of the chicken wings he had just eaten. He was casually tossing the bones into a trash can all the way across the room with out missing even once. "To work your way up you gotta complete your first assignment and pimp out pretty Jessica here."

A ho who appeared to be in her late 40's stood next to Pube Face with a paper bag covering her head. She wore the typical leather hooker gear.

"But I have no idea how to pimp!" whined Kankuro.

"Don't worry honey, its easy." said Jessica in a beautiful and smooth voice. However, there was one problem...

"Hey, why the hell did your voice come from your crotch and not your face..." asked Kankuro suspiciously.

Pube Face sighed and motioned for Jessica to take the bag off.

Kankuro let loose a shriek of pure terror, falling to the ground as his knees went weak with fear. "_W-wha- what the fucking hell is thaaaaaat!_" he screamed scooting back along the floor as he pointed at Jessica's face, his whole body trembling.

"Oh Kankuro... " said Jessica, tears coming to her eyes. Her voice was coming from her crotch again. "Y-you think I'm ugly don't you..."

"Kankuro, how dare you pick on someone just because they were born different!" said Pube Face sternly. "You need to learn to be more accepting of people!"

"B-bu-but her mouth and vagina are in opposite places!" cried out Kankuro, his mouth still hanging open in shock.

Jessica covered her face with her hands sobbing sadly.

"Kankuro, look you've made her cry!" shouted Pube Face. "As a pimp you should never make your hos cry! Well, unless they owe you money, then its ok to smack them bitches up... Now go apologies!" Pube Face pulled out pistol and aimed it at Kankuro's head to make his point.

"I-I'm sorry Jessica... you... you are a very beautiful woman..." whimpered Kankuro stiffly.

"Oh Kankuro honey, I knew you really thought I was sexy!" cried Jessica happily. She went over to Kankuro and dropped her pants to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Now lets get pimpin'! I'll make you a ton of money!"

* * *

Temari was immediately met with ridicule as she walked into the school that Doobie attended. Her cloths hung off of her, the sleeves of her shirt completely covering her arms and the pants legs covering her feet. Under her shirt she wore a huge bra that sagged down around her waist it was so large. According to Doobie's logic, girls who didn't wear bra's turned into hos and went to hell to be raped by Satan for all eternity. 

"Oh man look at that nerd!" shouted one guy pointing at Temari as he and his buddies laughed at her.

Temari walked with her fists clenched and teeth gritted, having to make a conscious effort not to kill anyone. Doobie skipped merrily beside her, carrying her school books in her Naruto backpack and humming the season one Naruto theme song. Luckily it wasn't long until they reached Doobie's class room.

"Uh, so what grade are you in exaclty..." muttered Temari as she looked at all the crayon drawings and glued macaroni pictures hanging on the walls.

"10th grade. Why?" asked Doobie, skipping over to her table and sitting down.

"Just curious..." said Temari with a sigh, taking a seat beside Doobie at the rectangular table.

It wasn't long until the rest of the students began to come in, each sitting at one of the six tables. Each table had three chairs to it. A skinny guy with glasses and a big head sat next to Temari. He began leaning over and smelling her.

"Cut it out!" snapped Temari pushing him away.

"Why you so mean..." whined the boy.

Just then one of the kids began crying loudly right in the middle of the room.

"What's his problem..." muttered Temari.

"_I can't find my seat, I can't find my seat, I can't find my seat!_"shouted the kid over and over and over again as he cried.

Just the the teacher walked into the room. She was an attractive blond with a confidant look.

"Its ok Billy, your seat is right there." said the teacher gently, pointing to the chair right in front of him.

"Yaaaaaaaay!" shouted Billy running over to his seat.

The teacher smiled happily and sat down at her desk.

"_How the hell does she put up with these kids..._"thought Temari to herself, then she saw the teacher pull a bottle of vodka out of the desk and take a drink. "_Oh..._"

"Hey can I have some water toooooooo Miss. Thompson?" shouted one of the kids.

"Sorry Joey, this is adult water." said Miss. Thompson with a wink. "_Ah, one of the many perks of teaching a bunch of retards..._"she thought to herself as she took another drink and thenreplaced the vodka in the desk. "Okay, before we get started with the lesson, please take out your home work."

"Okay!" shouted the kids in unison as they pulled out their homework.

Temari looked over and saw Doobie pull out a crudely drawn crayon picture of her dog with the words "KIAIIBRA-KUUNNEE" written beneath it.

Suddenly, one of the kids burst out crying.

"Whats the matter Jimmy?" asked Miss. Thompson, going over to him.

"I forgot my homework! I'm a bad person!" shouted Jimmy loudly as he cried.

"No you're not, you just messed up once." said Miss. Thompson. "If you mess up again though you're going straight to hell."

"If I had a time machine I would go back in time and do my homework!" shouted Jimmy.

"Well, thats very thoughtful of you, too bad thats impossible." said Miss. Thompson with a smile.

Temari raised her hand.

"Yes... uh... Temari..." said Miss. Thompson, having to look at the enlistment paper to figure out her name since she was new to the class.

"Actually, time travel is theoretically possible." said Temari. "You see, according to the principals of Quantum Physics, anti-matter, which is when protons orbit electrons in an atom instead of the other way around, can be used to tear open rifts in space, allowing a person or object to transverse space-time and go back in time. However, antimatter is extremely difficult to produce. To open a rift one meter in diameter antimatter equivalent to the mass of Jupiter would be needed. Also, antimatter can only exist within magnetic fields because if it comes into contact with normal matter massive explosions result. Despite all this, time travel to the future is believed to be impossible using this method. Just thought I'd add that."

Everyone stared at Temari with their jaws hanging open.

"Whats Jupiter?" asked one kid breaking the silence.

"Its... its a planet Bobby..." said Miss. Thompson, getting herself together. "Thank you for sharing that with us Temari, you're alot smarter than I thought you would be. Er ah... I mean, you are a very smart girl." she said with a forced smile.

Temari simply nodded with satisfaction.

"Okay class, lets get started on today's lesson." said Miss. Thompson. "Today we're going to learn about this great city we live in. Can anyone tell me what city we live in?" she looked around a bit and her gaze drifted to Temari. "Ah Temari, you're a smart girl, can you tell us what city we live in?"

"_Oh goddamn it..._"thought Temari, she had absolutely no idea what city she was in. "Uh, well... I don't know." she said reluctantly.

Every kid in the room burst out laughing at her, even her pal Doobie.

"Bwhahahhhaaah, you don't know what city this is?" laughed the skinny kid with the big head. "What are you retarded?"

"Hahahaha, Temari's retarded!" laughed another.

"What a retard bwahahahaha." bellowed another.

Temari just sighed and laid her head down on the table, burying her face on her folded arms. "_This is turning out to be one of the worst days of my life..._"she thought bitterly as an entire class of special ed students laughed at her and called her a retard.

* * *

Meanwhile Gaara sat at the side of the hospital bed of Harry, weeping for what he had done to his friend and teammate. Harry was laying there in a full scrotum cast and had and IV going into what Gaara thought was his arm. But worst of all, his smiley face had become a frowny face. And Gaara knew it was all his fault. The big game for the championship of whiffle ball was today and his team had begged him to play for them. However, Gaara knew that his place was at the side of the injured nutsack. Just then the doctor walked in. 

"Will he be ok doc?" asked Gaara, an edge of concern in his voice.

"Hell if I know." said the doc, walking back out of the room.

Gaara's shoulders slumped as he feared the worst. Harry might never recover...

Just then Gaara could hear someone shouting his name outside. He went to the window of the hospital room and opened it. What he saw shocked him.

"Gaara, please, you can't let us down!" cried the coach. Standing with him was the entire whiffle ball team as well as a bunch of strangers he had never seen before.

"What do you guys want?" asked Gaara, not sure what to make of the scene.

"We want you Gaara, we want you to play for us tomorrow and win us that championship!" shouted the coach. The crowd roared in approval and began chanting Gaara's name.

Just then a scruffy looking hobo pushed his way to the front of the crowd. He raised his hands a few times to get everyone to quiet down.

"Gaara, you're not just a whiffle ball player to us." began the hobo. "To us you are an inspiration! You have shown us that we can make it. You inspire all the ugly, the stupid, the weak, the pathetic, the STD infested, the mentally deranged, the peodophilic, the scum of the earth, the hemorrhoids of society, the worthless losers, and the homosexuals! Your example has shown us all that these types of people can make it in life!"

"What the hell, did you just call me gay?" yelled Gaara, the Prozac finally wearing off.

"Well uh, you are a whiffle ball player..." said the hobo.

Something snapped in Gaara and all the rage that had been suppressed that day came out. "You bastards I'll kill every last one of you!" roared Gaara, transforming into the Shukaku. He leapt down into the middle of the crowd and began an orgy of blood and death, as people ran screaming, trying to escape his wrath.

* * *

Meanwhile Kankuro was having a bit of trouble pimping Jessica. Most didn't want anything to do with a woman with a bag over her face and those that were desperate enough to go for her soon lost their never when she dropped her pants. 

"Damn it Jessica, this isn't working..." muttered Kankuro, tapping his pimp cane against an empty trash can as they stood on a street corner.

"Oh Kankuro honey, please give me one more chance..." pleaded Jessica.

"No. I've had enough of this." said Kankuro, breaking his pimp cane in half. He quickly grabbed Jessica by the arms firmly. "I'm going to take you away form all this, away from Pube Face. He doesn't really care about you."

"Oh Kankuro, but we can't, Pube Face will hunt us down and kill us." said Jessica, embracing him, squeezing his head against her boobies. "Lets just have sex and try and forget this life of ours. I'm sure that in each other's arms we will find heaven."

"Jessica, I love you more than anything in this corrupt world." said Kankuro, but then abruptly pulled away from her. "But I can't watch you suffer anymore for that bastard Pube Face. I'm getting us out of this life and to a place where we can truly be happy. And I swear you will never have to sell your body again."

"Oh Kankuro honey..." whispered Jessica as she sobbed tears of joy, imagining the bright new life that awaited them.

"Hey kid, I'll pay you five bucks if you let me screw that ho." said a random guy walking up to them.

"Deal." said Kankuro taking the money.

A little while later Kankuro, Jessica and the guy were in an abandoned warehouse. The guy couldn't afford to take Jessica to a crappy hotel so he decided to take her there.

"Heh, a bottle of Hurricane only costs about a buck fifty, I'll have enough to pay Pube Face back and still turn a profit!" thought Kankuro to himself as he played with the five dollar bill.

Suddenly a shot rang out and Jessica fell to the floor.

"Jessica noooooooooooo!" shouted Kankuro rushing to her side. "Jessica what happened?"

"T-that guy... .shot me..." gasped Jessica, pointing to the guy, who was standing there with a gun.

"Oh crap he's got a gun! I'm out of here!" shouted Kankuro, trying to make a run for it. Without Kuroari and Karasu he was completely defenseless.

"Stop or I'll shoot!" yelled the guy, aiming at Kankuro.

"Oh man, I-I'm so sorry... I should have told you that her mouth and vagina were in opposite places..." said Kankuro, his knees shaking from fear.

"I don't care about that fool. I was sent here to kill you by the new power pimp in town, Gold Tooth!" said the guy.

Just then a pimp dressed in a shining gold suit walked up. "Well hello there Kankuro, I hear you are Pube Face's newest lackey." he said with a smile, revealing that he had no teeth other than one huge oversized gold tooth sticking out of the front of his top gum.

"I've never met the guy I swear..." stammered Kankuro, trying desperately to think of a way out of being shot.

"You can't fool me boy." said Gold Tooth. "Cap this mothercrunker Reno."

"Sure thing boss." said the guy with the gun, aiming right at Kankuro's heart.

Just then the door to the warehouse burst open, Pube Face and his minions rushing in with AK-47s.

"Don't worry boy, I'm here to save you!" said Pube Face.

Gold Tooth quickly grabbed Kankuro and put him in a headlock, holding him in front of him like a shield and putting a gun to his head.

"Now now, lets be reasonable Pube Face. You wouldn't' t want Kankuro here to suffer a headshot." said Gold Tooth with a smile.

"Don't be a fool, I am an expert marksman, I'll shoot over his shoulder and cap yo ass before you can shoot him." said Pube Face aiming his gun at Gold Tooth's head.

"Hah, you're screwed Gold Tooth, Pube Face never misses." laughed Kankuro, instantly relaxing.

"Thats right Gold Ass, you're dead." said Pube Face pulling the trigger.

The bullet hit Kankuro right between the eyes, his body slumping to the floor.

"Damn, I guess I should have put my contacts in before we left..." muttered Pube Face shaking his head.

"Well, uh... I guess there is no reason for us to really fight anymore." said Gold Tooth.

"I guess you're right, bye." said Pube Face.

The rival pimps then left, leaving the bodies of the star-crossed lovers Kankuro and Jessica to rot on the warehouse floor. Then Pube Face ran back in a moment and grabbed the five bucks Kankuro had gotten from Reno.

* * *

Meanwhile Temari and Doobie had just gotten out of school and had gotten back to Doobie's house. They were on their way upstairs when they passed Doobie's granny. 

"Hi Granny Fanny!" shouted Doobie.

Granny Fanny didn't respond, thought Temari noticed this time she had a bottle of Elmer's glue shoved up each nostril and was snoring out her mouth. Kiba-kun was in the living room too and was humping a pillow pretty well for a dog with no legs.

Upon getting to Doobie's room, the gigantic girl rushed over to her computer and popped in a Naruto DVD.

"Its Naruto time, its Naruto time!" shouted Doobie over and over again until the DVD started, she then began singing along with the theme song.

Doobie watched Naruto for hours and hours, boring the hell out of Temari.

"Oh what the hell, that is pure bullshit!" cursed Temari upon seeing herself defeated by Sasuke in one of the filler episodes in the Chuunin Exam story arc. "Who the hell wrote this crap! I'm way more powerful than Sasuke!"

"_Don't use naughty language!_"shrieked Doobie, covering her ears.

"Yeah whatever, I'm going to get something to eat." muttered Temari, pissed off about the ultimate load of bullcrap she had just witnessed.

Upon opening the fridge, Temari saw the most horrible mess ever. With a sigh she rummaged around until she found a half eaten can of pork'n beans. It smelled like crap but she was desperate, having passed on the synthetic pizza that had been served for lunch at school. With one quick gulp she dumped the contents of the can down her throat, not bothering to warm it up in the microwave. Letting out a grunt of relief, Temari tossed the can onto the floor and headed back up stairs.

"Hey Doobie... " began Temari upon reaching the room but a sudden pain cramped up her stomach, causing her to double over. Apparently the beans had been past their expiration date or something.

"Oh Temari, are you have cramps because of your period!" shouted Doobie with concern.

"No, its not even that time of the..." began Temari but Doobie wasn't listening.

"I will help my friend! You need tampons!" shouted Doobie rushing to the bathroom and retrieving a box of tampons. "I recycle tampons like Captain Planet told me too! We only get one earth after all." Doobie pulled out a used tampon and offered it to Temari.

Something snapped in Temari. When Gaara had broken her arm in training she hadn't screamed. When Orochimaru had captured her and tortured her she hadn't screamed. When Karasu had pushed her down the stairs at her house and caused he to break both her legs she hadn't screamed. In fact Temari had vowed to herself upon graduating from the ninja academy that she would never scream like a little girl, ever. But this was on a whole nother level... and Temari ran from the house, screaming like a little girl...

"_I have got to get out of here..._"thought Temari, her eye's wide with desperation as she ran down the street, not knowing where she was going or how she was going to get there. She simply ran, the horror of used tampons ravaging her mind as the events of the day gnawed at her sanity.

Just then she saw Shukaku in the middle of the road surrounded by dead bodies.

"Shukaku, I never thought I'd be glad to see you!" exclaimed Temari.

"Oh Temari-chan, last time we met didn't I say something about killing you the next time I saw you?" said Shukaku slyly. Suddenly Temari's fan collided with his oversized tanuki balls. "Ok, maybe I was mistaken..." he moaned as she slumped to the ground grasping his crotch.

"Transform back into Gaara now, or I'm going to preform a vasectomy on you, and let me tell you, I'm no surgeon." said Temari sternly.

"You've made your point..." muttered Shukaku, reverting to Gaara.

"Well I guess even Shukaku can come in handy at times." said Gaara with a smile as he looked around at the dead bodies of his former whiffle ball teammates.

"Whatever, we need to get back to Hidden Sand, _now_." said Temari. "Where the hell is Kankuro?"

"Hell if I know, you know he hardly ever survives these stories..." said Gaara with a shrug.

"Yeah you're right, he's probably dead." agreed Temari.

Just then the warp portal opened across the street from the two Sand-nins. They wasted no time in jumping back through. They were instantly thrown back into Baki's dungeon, landing roughly on the floor. The portal sealed up behind them.

"Harder, harder!" shouted Baki, his eyes squeezed shut as he was chained up naked and being whipped by two one eyed midgets.

"Baki!" shouted Temari angrily.

Baki opened his eyes. "Oh hi you two, have fun on your trip?" asked Baki between screams of pain.

"Hell no!" shouted Temari swinging her fan and cutting Baki down from his chains. The two midgets ran off in fear. "You've got some explaining to do..."

"Now now Temari, I was just trying to teach you kids a lesson." said Baki, backing up into the corner as a furious Temari approached him.

"And what lesson would that be "Baki-sensei"..." growled Temari as she and Gaara stood before him, their arms folded.

"Well why don't you kids tell me what you've learned?" said Baki with a weak "please don't hurt me" smile.

"I've learned that its ok to make fun of people who are different because they deserve it." said Gaara.

"Yeah thats basically what I learned too." said Temari.

"Well, thats not exactly what I was going for... the exact opposite actually, but oh well." laughed Baki, going over and taking Temari in his right arm and Gaara in his left and giving them a warm hug.

Then Gaara ran a hand up his ass.

"Whoa Gaara, it appears you've learned some other things as well..." said Baki jumping back a bit. "I swear, you kids grow up so fas..."

Baki's sentence was cut off by a penis shaped whiffle ball bat being shoved into his mouth by Gaara. Temari, Gaara and the one eyed midgets burst out laughing.

Baki just shrugged and sighed...

The End!

A/N: I don't actually condone making fun of people in real life because they're different, that was just a joke.Oh and also, that scene where Gaara was at the hospital was inspired by the movie Water Boy.


End file.
